From the time I walked into the ER to the time I was discharged, I spent less than 72 hours in the hospital. In some ways it was the most boring time of my life. I heard a couple of other people having breakdowns but didn't see any of it. I wasn't mistreated in any way. I literally sat around watching TV or napping.
But now one of my greatest fears is going back.
It's been over a month now, but at night I still reach out to touch my boyfriend or pet my cat to assure myself that I'm home and not back at the hospital. For the first week, whenever I saw someone in the hospital on TV (I'm a Law & Order SVU fan so this was somewhat often) I'd feel my heart skip a beat and my anxiety level would rise. I can't bring myself to drop off an insurance form I need the doctor to fill out because I'm terrified of walking back into that wing of the hospital. (My boyfriend graciously agreed to do this.) A few nights ago I dreamed that my boyfriend was literally dragging me back into the hospital and I had to escape on foot and run for it. In the dream I became homeless because I was to afraid to return home and possibly be forced back into the hospital. I'm becoming a hermit and only leaving the house when I can't avoid it. Over the recent four-day holiday weekend I only left my house twice. I go to work everyday but it's a struggle to get out of bed each morning. I do feel comfortable at work, but I can't wait to return home. I sometimes have flashbacks of being hospitalized.
Studies have found that hospitalization can cause post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Generally, this is associated with stays in an ICU or in psychiatric cases, with being restrained, isolated, or abused or demeaned by the staff, all things that didn't happen to me. However, I found the intake process in the ER where I had to hand over everything I had with or on me, including my ring and my underwear, in front of a nurse and then have a security guard scan me with a wand to be dehumanizing. By the next morning, I was being held against my will even though I had gone in voluntarily. (If you try to leave against medical advice they may petition the court to have you stay.) In the psych ward, I had no control and I felt like I was in prison. I didn't even have ready access to a clock to keep track of the passing days. It turns out that these experiences can also elicit a strong emotional response.
I'm not self-diagnosing myself with PTSD. But I definitely had a strong emotional response and I don't know how long it will take to move past it. I do know that with the way I feel right now, it will be a cold day in hell before I seek help like that again.
Glad you are okay and wish this hadn't happened to you. This is random, but I wonder how the Vietnam vet that you chatted with is doing?
ReplyDeleteHonestly, whatever he was hospitalized for, he hid very well. He said he's been in and out of mental health wards since his 20s but I personally couldn't see any outward signs of illness. I, too, hope he is doing well. He was a very nice gentleman.
DeleteYou are certainly not alone.
ReplyDeleteAnd I am so sorry for what you are going through. Thank you for having the strength to
write this blog. I have had similar feelings for about ten years about the state of mental health services in the US and am sickened by it.
Stay strong.
You felt like a prisoner because that's the way they were treating you. Hospitals and their employees have become so desensitized & fail to treat people with respect & dignity. It infuriates me. I've seen this in nursing homes, hospitals and even in my own Drs office. We're just cattle lined up, just another number. It has become big business and it makes them money. Even my own Dr, because of my prescriptions has to drug screen me which is fine but what they do after is a rip off and should be illegal. My Dr takes all urine and sells it to other labs across the country. Those labs then charge up thousands of dollars and try to bill your insurance company. I received a statement where one lab across the country was charging my insurance over 6,000.00 for testing my urine for everything in the world. I called my Drs office about it and she told me to ignore that statement and told me I wouldn't be charged. Well I hope not because I wasn't paying 6000.00 for a simple drug screen. This is why insurance is so high. There's a racket going on inside our crooked healthcare system and a lot of Drs are involved in it. I know my Dr is with this selling your urine to other labs for a fee then those labs rip off your ins. It's disgusting. Our healthcare system is broken beyond repair. I understand that you were in dire need that night but don't ever let someone try to tell you what's best for you. Stand up for yourself and trust your gut if it doesn't feel right then leave or call the authorities to help you leave. They treated you in an undignified manner and they should be sued.
ReplyDelete